Annette/Andy

I tried internet dating back when it first started appearing in Penthouse Letters. Almost instantly this girl Annette contacted me. We chatted online for about a week before she told me she was in the mood for a "serious ass punching." I told her we should meet that night and gave her my phone number. She called and asked me to meet her at this coffee shop down the street from my apartment. I got there and didn't see anyone that looked like the picture she sent me, so I figured she must be late. Two seconds after I sat down, this dude sits down across from me and tells me he's Andy. He then tells me about how he's the one I've been talking to on line, and that the photo he sent was of his sister. I asked who I had been talking to on the phone and he said that that was his sister also, but that he had been telling her what to say. I stood up to leave and he started yelling that I shouldn't turn my back on love, and that it was his words I had fallen in love with so our love was still real, and a bunch of other crazy shit. He also told me I was shallow for not wanting to give him a chance. I stood up and walked away. He caught up with me about a half a block later and asked if he could just give me a blow job and told me that he didn't expect me to reciprocate. I'll admit I was tempted, but I figured that was probably a lie too.

Rebekah

So I met Rebekah at this bar called "Bob and Betty's 160 club." It's dark and kind of country-style, but it has shuffleboard so I can't complain. I used this line on her that had something to do with cooking her breakfast, something too well thought out to actually be witty, but this girl flips for it when I start talking omelettes. Dawn breaks and she starts bugging me about this omelette. I tell her that I can't really cook and that it was just a line. She freaks, throws her clothes on, and then starts throwing books at me. She screams something about how her not having an orgasm is bad enough, but lying about an omelette is totally unacceptable. I have to admit, it kind of turned me on that she was so crazy about breakfast.

Trevor

Okay, I totaled Trevor's car, and broke his femur in the process. Yes, I had been drinking. But look at the guy, he's wearing a union suit with little roses on it. Tell me he wasn't asking for it.

Kristin

Kristin was one of my sister’s friends. She spent the weekend at our house on fourth of July because she didn’t want to go with her family to Lake Tahoe. I made some serious attempts to get with her but she was uninterested. She told me that she just wasn’t into ugly guys. I thought that was a real bitchy thing to say so I told her that she was going to regret it, because I’m hard like that when dealing with girls a couple years younger than me. After she drove away I called the cops and told them that she had tried to sell me dope. They pulled her over before she got home and as luck would have it she had an ounce of pot, several dozen pair of stolen “panties,” and a dead squirrel, in her trunk. Whoops.

Cathy

Kathy and I dated for a while. Long enough for me to talk her into making some videos. Long enough for my ex-friend Stewart to find them on my computer and upload them to youtube. Long enough for her to find out that over 45,000 people had watched her do those things on video, and that hundreds of them had left comments about her technique, her body, her lisp, even the horribly outdated Stevie Ray Vaughn poster on her wall. Also long enough for me to end up in the emergency room getting sixteen stitches right above my hairline from this tacky blown glass and driftwood lamp that was also seen in the video. I blame myself, that lamp should have clued me into the fact that this girl was the crazy-throwin’-shit-type.