Steven

Steven and I carpooled for about four weeks until I accidentally spilled a chocolate milkshake into his center console. He kept screaming that I had ruined some incredibly rare Spin Doctors import. Whatever.

???????

I have no idea who this woman is, but I have no doubt that she hates me. There was this wedding at this place I worked at called the Finnish Temperance Hall. I was stopping by to pick up my cel phone I had left there the night before. When I walked into the kitchen there were these caterers in the back taking nitrus hits off of these whip cream canisters. After helping empty the cans, I snuck some whiskey from the bar and proceeded to get hammered. I wandered into the hall when this woman was giving an incredibly long toast. For some reason I started yelling "Fake!" at the end of every line she said. I probably got out four or five before my boss recognized it was me. I never did get that phone back.

Connor

Connor and I went on this road trip to Tijuana in search of the donkey show. The idea was that we would hitch hike and train hop the whole way there and back so it would sound like some grand experience instead of two buddies just going to see a girl have sex with a donkey. After three days we made it to San Diego and stayed a night with Connor's sister Torey. The next day I made this cardboard hitching sign that said Donkey Show. Connor grabbed my camera to take some photos of me with the sign. When he turned the camera on though, he found the photos I had taken of his sister in the shower the night before. Apparently, that's considered bad form. I'd say it not as bad as breaking a brother's camera. Either way, I didn't get to see a girl have sex with a donkey.

Simone and Kiki

I had been dating Simone for about three weeks and it was kinda on the down low since she was getting divorced. Then I had sex with Kiki because she was over and it was raining and the power went out. Then, even on days when it wasn't raining we still kept having sex. About a week later Simone and I went to dinner at this place called the Weimar Institute and Kiki was working there as the hostess. It was really awkward as certain things became immediately apparent. I tried to save the day by suggesting we solve the whole mess with a three-way. It took me about two hours to walk home. A while later I heard the two of them started dating. They stole my idea and left me out of it, how lame is that?

Lena

I grew up next to Lena and her husband Palo. When I was in high school me and a friend watched Animal House and thought the part where they light the little bag of dog shit on fire on someone's porch was really funny. We got my brother to shit in a grocery bag and ran that over and lit it on fire. Seconds later, as the flames began to lick the eaves of their house, we realized why they used a sandwich bag in the movie. Lena opened the door and screamed. Palo ran out and grabbed a hose and put it out, but not before it charred a big circle on their porch. Even after I mowed their lawn for an entire year, Lena would spit whenever she saw me and mutter "Vai tomar no teu cu."

Cassidy

Cassidy and I went to high school together. We never dated, but I totally wanted to. I ran into her years later and attempted to "ignite the flame" by agreeing to watch her house while she went out of town with her boyfriend. My friend Carl came over and we smoked some crack and made a collage out of her panties. They arrived home to find me throwing up in their kitchen sink and Carl drawing hearts on their bathroom wall in his own shit.

Dante

Dante and I used to play doubles in a competitive badminton league. We called ourselves the wondertwins and what we lacked in actual skill we made up for in trash talking. We went out drinking after the finals at some really dark and seedy bar to celebrate our ninth place victory. We were in line to play Street Fighter and I see a bunch of ice on the floor where someone had spilled their drink. For a laugh, I picked some up and dropped it down the back of his pants and ran. I turned around to watch him and he was gone. I'm looking all over for him, but he's nowhere. Fifteen minutes later he appears with his hand all bandaged and tells me some motherfucker put some broken glass down the back of his pants which cut up his hand as he was pulling it out, and that he intended to "kill that motherfucker." I laughed uncontrollably and was finally able to spit out that it was me. Punch Punch Punch. "You're dead to me Motherfucker!" End of story.

Theresa

I told Theresa that it was totally cool that she had a baby. I even said that I loved kids just because I wanted to get into her pants so bad, I mean check out the back of her neck in this photo, don't you just wanna bite that like a mother cat? Before she threw me out I did learn a very important parenting lesson: it doesn't matter how sound asleep the baby is, or how bad you need to run to the store for cigarettes, you don't leave the baby home alone. In my defense, I was gone for five minutes, maybe ten, and when I got back the baby was still asleep; until she started in with the yelling. Again, check out the neck meat. It tasted just like you'd think it would.

Scootch

Allegedly, one Friday night I stumbled into Scootch's place, walked into his bedroom where he and his wife were "sleeping together," stood on the end of their bed and pissed all over them. The only thing I remember is waking up the next morning, without pants, with a dried bloody face, on his front lawn. If the story is true then I understand the hate, cause that's pretty fucked up. If he's lying, that's even more fucked up. Either way I lost my only friend who owns a truck, which makes moving stuff very difficult.